Slowing Down

You are just one week shy from being done with school for the summer. Coincidentally this is the time when we choose to stop thinking about school when it matters the most. This results in an overwhelming experience of stress and anxiety as the demands to prioritize become inarguable.  You probably work a few jobs, are in a club or two, and somehow manage to get school done.  You think you are being responsible when you say happy hour is only from 4-7 so writing that 10 page paper afterwards will be no big deal...right? I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you weren't just sipping water and swapping recipes at 'all you can drink margarita' night, and sitting down to write a paper hours later can begin to feel like a sobriety test.  After trying to have a social life, and being incapable of getting assignments done, it is easy to feel like doing one thing results in the sacrifice of another.  There is a continual struggle at incorporating fun with responsibilities and obligations which is even more apparent as you recall the multiple 'should spend 10 hours doing' projects that were assigned months ago.

During this time in life it is easy to start spreading yourself too thin as you try and tackle an excessive amount of things in a very short amount of time.  Basic health necessities are often the first things to go, such as sleeping and eating (who has time to sleep? and eating costs money that you never had in the first place).

Old people will blame this hectic schedule on technology. But that can't be it...no... checking 5 different social networking sites during the 5 minute walk in between classes isn't dysfunctional at all. Students would argue that the stakes have changed.  No one walks into the real world with "I focused really hard on my studies therefore I had no time for anything else" on their resume. Learning and life take place during the extracurricular times, when the information from that debate class actually applies to a real life situation.

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The life of a 20 something is filled with moments of excitement (like waking up in time to eat breakfast), celebration (I just finished writing that paper, time to party!), and endless motion (class, work, gym, dinner, meeting, etc).  You may feel productive as you manage 5 activities without slipping up, but could you keep this pace up forever? Eventually the pace will slow down, you are not

superhuman and Red Bull is only good for about 2 hours of an elevated heart rate and stomach ache.  Contentment will become harder to find as you attempt to maintain such a frantic pace.  It can be hard to admit that you need a break, or you may feel that others don't understand how without your planner you might as well go finger paint all day long. Chances are if you only average approximately 4 hours of sleep per night, utilize a bag of goldfish as breakfast lunch and dinner, or cant remember the last time you took a shower...it is time to take a break.


 Signs you may need to turn off for a day (or two):

• You feel overwhelmed by your schedule instead of proactive about it.

• 10 alarms are being set... 5 minutes apart... for an hour.

• Your reaction to a dinner invite warrants the response..."Do you think I have time for that?!"

• Your car got sandwiched in your parallel parking spot. Without remorse you hit 5 cars on your way out while declaring... "they asked for it"

• You decided your closet is more functional scattered all over your bedroom floor.

• The shower hasn't been used in 72+ hours

• Parents and friends are being blunt enough to ask if you are still alive. 

As the school year comes to an end, and the sun starts coming out for consecutive days it is the perfect time to take a step back and relax. Please do not confuse relaxation time with catching up on three shows you missed last week while answering emails that are day overdue and Instagraming your weekend adventures.  This idea of down time sounds like a brilliant idea that has long been lost since the working student met the smart phone.  The need for downtime will usually start to sound like a good idea when you feel extremely overwhelmed and lose track of the tasks at hand.  A better solution than spending the next two days on coffee and email drafting could be taking the time to reassess the schedule and see where the stress is coming from.  You may find that more than your schedule needs to be adjusted, maybe a new situation has occurred and you are in the transition process.  Regardless if you answer your mother's personal call with "thank you for calling (insert miserable job here) how can I help you" something needs to change. 

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If this is you then chances are you may have forgotten how to have a clear schedule (aka how to relax). Here is a list that can help you forget about color coding the planner and take a moment to just breathe.  These things may make you happy, clear your mind, or put you back in the right frame of mind to not act like a lunatic with a case of stomach ulcers. Apply personal interests as needed.

1. An empty schedule-say no to things. You are scheduled to work all weekend and your friend asks you to babysit after a 10 hour work day.  (the frantic busy body thinks "awesome more money more money more money") Someone looking to relax can respectfully explain their work schedule and plan a time in the future to set something up.  

2. A clean space. No one can relax while inhaling the fumes of last weeks dinner plates, or if you sprained you ankle because it got tangled in the clothes that got left all over the floor (these will only leave you feeling nauseous and swollen). 

3. Run or walk. Skip in place if you have an extreme aversion to exercise. Anything that demands focus on the task at hand will help transition your mind from running late to the meeting to running to that cool park down the street.

4. Unlimited time to read, as in material that is not in the form of a textbook, or that requires you to properly cite it in MLA format (or is it APA?) Time like this can leave the over scheduled student feeling panicked...something must be wrong you aren't currently doing something.  See if you missed any good articles, catch up on the latest news, look through old pictures any of these will divert your mind towards less strenuous thoughts.

5. A good night’s sleep without the alert of an alarm clock. Your body clock at this point probably alerts you for action between the hours of 12 and 4 am.  Go into sleeping with a calm mind, turn off electronics, and try to fall asleep in the same day you woke up in.   

6. Spontaneous napping: you can't check email if you are sleeping (I hope).

7. Anthony Bourdain: his voice is magically soothing and something about watching him sweat it
out in a tent in Indonesia covered in mosquito nets and remain calm makes you consider not sweating the small stuff too (pun intended).

Do what makes you happy cupcakewine.com

8. Associate with someone who hasn't been "penciled in." It can be as small as the person who hands you your sushi at Kroger...baby steps here.

9. Shower. One of the most under utilized problem solvers in so many ways. Stress correlates with being busy-->Business often results in lack of hygiene-->Business also results in headaches-->Lack of hygiene absolutely enhances a head ache=Bathe yourself!

10. Do not under any circumstances think about "checking your grades really fast". This is a sign of unwillingness to fully let go. Blackboard may feel like your security blanket now, but it usually leads to online exams or mind numbing discussion boards with talk of points and weighted averages.  All of these things are the killers of calm and contentment.  Avoid the Internet if possible.






 Treat yourself right these next few days. Exams are never easy but if you go into it with a calm mind things will seem much more manageable. 

-RV

Do Opposites Attract?

You know what they always say, opposites attract! In theory it sounds great...peanut butter to jelly, yin to yang, beer to football, sweet to salty.  We are drawn to opposites because they are foreign subjects that demand exploration.  In the case of peanut butter and jelly this concept of opposites competes as one of the greatest discoveries of human history.  When it comes to people being opposites, things become less magically perfect (unlike a chocolate covered pretzel). There comes a division between good and bad, right and wrong.  The comparisons sound more like good roommate to bad roommate, gym goer to TV watcher, Lance Armstrong to moral human being, etc.  Unlike inanimate objects, human beings are defined by character and personality as definitive points of existence.  This is why I have absolutely never understood what people are thinking when they claim that opposites attract.  While I see some logic in the idea of balancing out the aspects you lack in a relationship, the thought of dating your total opposite sounds like a recipe for countless dates with gritted teeth as your partner takes you to the annual monster truck show when you had dreams of strolling around the art museum on Saturday.  So instead of convincing yourself that you, the introverted book reader, would enjoy a long term relationship with the guy who socializes through doing keg stands and arm wrestling, consider a new take on the idea of dating your opposite. I am a huge advocate of compatibility.  There needs to be a healthy mixture of similarities and differences.  You can understand that sometimes emotional meltdowns are a healthy form of expression, and that folding laundry may not be everyone's favorite activity.

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Consider what it would be like to date yourself....(I know it's horrifying to imagine)

Now consider what it would be like for someone who is your total opposite to date yourself...

Letting my perfect opposite jump into that ring of fire would be down right morally wrong.

This person would literally evaporate into thin air the second you tried to explain your passion towards collecting pictures of dressed up cats.  A total opposite is in no way prepared emotionally or mentally to handle all that you may bring to the table.  It is not always in a bad way, but one that would hinder your ability to truly connect with each other. 

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Instead of imagining two magnets coming together think about it like a puzzle piece.  Not fitting together at the exact same points but somehow forming one complete shape.  This is why finding someone who you want to spend extensive periods of time with can seem as impossible as growing gills.  It takes effort on your part, you need to be willing to experience new things both in people and circumstances.  There is no formulaic code that explains the exact level of sensitivity your partner will have, or how exactly they will handle stressful situations.  Dating (although painful at times) is the best way to begin conquering this search.  Once you have an established understanding of yourself you are able to use dating as an evaluation method to observe similarities and differences between you and the other person.

You will recognize more similarities in the person you are dating, it becomes easier to see how those similarities translate into meaningful qualities that you would value in someone.  It may sound a little too intense for a first date to try and decipher shared qualities, when you are simply trying not to talk about that one time when you got sent to the hospital for walking into a glass door.  Even the smallest similarities can translate into major compatibility factors.  You both like to hit the gym? Maybe you both are dedicated and driven individuals in all aspects of life.  You and your date enjoy catching up on the news? You both seem to value a well rounded perspective and might benefit each other by sharing those thoughts.  Allowing yourself to see the bigger picture of how your qualities would fit together allows your mind slip into the idea of establishing an actual relationship. Compatibility often gets looked over when what you are looking for might be right in front of you.  Based off of failed relationships, bad dates, and horrible breakups it is no wonder that we feel like we have to dig to the center of the earth in order to find a decent boyfriend/girlfriend

As you head out for your next date, instead of worrying about how much you don't have in common consider what it is that you share, and how your opposites may integrate together. Below are a few examples of when your opposite might be too opposite to recover from.  While these are not factually understood, the general concept can serve as a major tell of whether you will be able to adjust your life with this new person.

Opposites probably won't attract when... 

You like to go for an early run and he is still out from the night before.
Contented vs. Discontented
You value routine and he thrives on spontaneity.  It is universally understood that the ability to change it up builds the foundation for a connected relationship.  But as time goes on you both may find  that your idea of the day to day may not embrace the other for all that they offer. 

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Your idea of traveling includes trekking uncharted terrain and hers is checking out the new shopping center up the street. 
Broad minded vs. Narrow minded
In a relationship the idea of adventure is exciting.  This characteristic can quickly become overwhelming when one member's idea of a good time is drastically different.  You will feel like you have to keep up constantly.  When dating someone who shares you desire for new experiences, you won't feel pressure to take on more than you are able to handle, or feel like you are being held back.

You wash the berries and he eats them as you are walking through the store.
Careful vs. Careless
Too much of either of these extremes makes for a turbulent combination of chaos and silence.  Like avoiding cracks on the sidewalk and jumping into the puddles.  These are two qualities that will create a substantial divide in how close you are able to feel with someone. Security is major when considering a relationship.  You will feel insecure if you are the uptight wet blanket all the time.

Your last meaningful relationship shaped you into the wonderful person you are today and she can't remember the last time she had one of those. 
Perceptive vs. Imperceptive
I think the ability for self reflection says a lot about a person.  If you are unable to analyze how you impacted a situation, or your role in how a relationship went wrong, you are going to have a hard time succeeding in the future.  Besides that fact that you are comfortable living in a dream world, you may be unwilling to incorporate another person's differences into your life.  It will be more difficult to understand where your partner is coming from if you have trouble contemplating the underlying meaning or how you might be the cause of the problem. 

Your idea of problem solving is to throw it away and his is to fix it.
Patient vs. Impatient
When you consider going into a new relationship patience is key.  Both individuals need to be equally dedicated towards growing together.  Give one another time to adjust to this new situation.  You have never dated someone like this before and chances are he/she hasn't either.  Have the patience to allow the relationship to grow, and even more so...have the patience to keep looking for someone to have a relationship with!

You like dogs and she likes cats. 
...
This is one many people will disagree with, but I see huge differences in whether a person likes dogs or cats. The best resolution for this difference seems to be not having either one in your life, which is basically a horrible form self-deprivation (similar to giving up desert).  If either of you have extreme differences in opinions on things from cats and dogs to where you plan to live in the next 5 years, you may find that your differences begin to weight heavier than the similarities.  Also you may ultimately begin to resent your partner for denying you the chance of experiencing pet ownership :-]


As you try dating new people search for balance in your partner, not the opposite!

yogatherapy.com

-RV

Be Braver

So someone just asked you what you want to do after you graduate...for the thousandth time. If this hasn't happened yet and you are an enrolled student in a university I would love to hear how you have managed to fly under the radar unnoticed.  It's a fair question that is probably asked out of politeness rather than genuine interest. This person isn't going to make you sign your name in blood swearing to fulfill the career path that you spewed out in a nervous stupor, trying convince the listener that your past 4 years haven't been a total waste of time.   Whenever I get asked this question I get abnormally nervous, like this person's knowledge of my life plan is going to affect my future success.  Answers range from dramatically enhanced to down right outrageous and generally will never be the same response. We try to think of these elaborate goals in order to impress.

This scenario applies to many other situations in our lives. The courage to be brave enough to say what you really think becomes equally as challenging as swallowing a spoon full of cinnamon.  Your dream job may not be along the lines of main stream acceptance, it may violate someones expectations, you may feel like your identity is incomplete while you pretend like working 60 hour weeks is anyone's idea of a good time. 

As you encounter situations in which you feel like your voice is being judged it is important to channel bravery as your support.  Having the courage to stand for what you believe will not only allow you to attain your goals, but will allow you to fully be yourself.

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Bravery...

Does not occur when times are easy: Being brave is the alternative to having fear.  No one ever feels brave for picking their favorite ice cream out at UDF. As wonderful as it would be to brag with pride about the fact that you went for two scoops of chocolate chip instead of one only counts for your calories, not your character. If it was easy to be brave we would all be shining examples of model citizens who enjoy cleaning the bathroom and work at jobs that we actually want.  When you are considering a new job, going into a first date, or picking roommates are times when making the right choice for you is not always easy.  These scenarios can trigger your fight or flight fear response. A very real example is Clifton Crime. Recall your favorite Greg hand email.  I like the one when the robber tried to steal the car using a frying pan as a weapon. Many choose to avoid the confrontation and make the decision to hand over the keys.  Others may understand how idiotic it is to threaten someone with kitchenware and show that robber how you really use a frying pan as an assault weapon.  Times like these challenge us to rise to the occasion and  have the confidence to be brave when times get tough. 

Prompts you to run away: In many situations it seems easier to run away and avoid as opposed to dealing with the challenge at hand.  We are motivated to run from problems as a natural bodily defense system for protection.  Your fear detector becomes jaded by life experiences that skew your inhibitions leaving humans exceptionally timid and terrified of failure. As a society we work towards perfection and do everything we can to avoid situations that may be embarrassing or difficult.  Your fears shed light on who someone truly is beneath the external presentation, they also point us towards what we truly want.  If you ignore your fears you are ignoring important signs that could lead to something greater. 

Can help you get a date: I think this is a really important aspect of bravery that many of us struggle with. How many times have you sworn your friend to secrecy as you divulge how attracted you are to this new person you met? We run around to everyone we know seeking their approval, scrounging for some shred of confidence to feel okay about the fact that we really like someone. Chances are you see this person on a daily basis and will deal with this emotional turmoil for weeks before actually saying hello. The thought of asking to see this person outside of school gives causes your blood to rush to your feet as you think of any excuse to get out of it (while you sit at home...most likely alone...Friday night regretting your decision). Be brave and tell people how you really feel.  It takes courage and confidence to express yourself truthfully.  Practice saying what you really mean and you will find that these dilemmas may actually be quite simple after all. 

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Requires an openness towards change: if you choose to be brave and accept the job that moves you across the country you will be experiencing a total life upheaval that can make your old job at the mall sound divine.  There is no easy way to deal with change but to embrace it. You loathed refolding clothes for 12 hours every Saturday, your manager was about a friendly as a hormonal grizzly bear, and the people you worked with all knew just a little too much about one another for that relationship to continue much longer.  Accepting change is contradictory to everything you work for, a daily routine, steady job, a normal girlfriend etc.   If you realize that change is cyclical you can at least be certain that you will be forced to readjust sooner rather than later.  With this anticipation towards change you will avoid sentencing yourself to a job that ignores your true potential. 

Usually leads to judgement: I relate this idea with traveling. As a society a disturbing amount of emphasis is placed on the idea of physical strength as the coverall for weakness.  It summarizes the fixation that Americans have with being outwardly perfect and socially beautiful.  That is why when we leave the safe haven of the United States, an American can be spotted miles away due to the obnoxious "I'm a world traveler" attitude as Europeans will quickly debunk upon your first "will you take our picture" question.  Being brave means seizing what it is you truly want from life.  These are wants that others may not have the ability to understand or appreciate; naturally judgments will be formed.  You can choose to let another person's perspective detract from your goals, or stand by your decision that you will be the next American Idol.      

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Mark Twain  

Some of the most difficult moments in life hinge in your willingness to be brave.  There is nothing easy about saying that no one likes your friend's boyfriend, asking for your dream job, or calling the police after a robbery.  If you are mindful of these future challenges you will be able to quickly respond to these difficult situations. 

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-RV

Why it's Good you are Single

It’s good you’re single if...

You shop in the frozen food isle at the grocery store: While a nice Stouffer's lasagna is incredibly satisfying on any given Monday night, someone who is on the market for a partner and trying to date successfully is going to be more willing to spice it up when it comes to food and beyond. The willingness to experiment with food is a major point of date-ability.  It not only reflects a desire for new experiences, but proves you have an openness to change; you have the ability to appreciate something new. 

The thought of a night alone with your computer sounds equally as exciting as a Harry Potter movie marathon: under no circumstances should someone hoping to land a relationship feel a deeper attachment and emotional stimulation from watching Harry save Hogwarts than from a human interaction. If a movie marathon weekend (insert anti-social hobby here) truly is what you enjoy on the weekends, it simply means that mentally you may not be ready to try out dating. As you transition towards the idea of a relationship your idea of a good time will gear towards activities that will embrace the cultivation of a new interaction. While you are single fulfillment is found through activities that do not challenge you to present yourself in a certain way, the most effort this mindset takes is deciding between season 1 or 2 of your favorite show.  

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You wear pajama pants in public: This one is somewhat obvious. If your 'going out in public' attire looks something like ripped sweat pants, your water stained Uggs, and wet shower hair it is good you are single.  It all comes back to the effort you put into how you are perceived.  Many people especially single ones have vowed that if someone truly loves them they will not feel obligated to change their appearance from anything but the 'i just spent three days on Facebook' look.  I do not mean to say that we need to slip into our alter egos in order to attract attention but appreciate yourself enough to show off your positive qualities.  There is nothing dysfunctional about representing the best version of you, and being confident enough to let others appreciate what you are portraying. We live in a highly visual society where attractions are formed from an external perspective, personality following in second place.  No one wants to date the person who just rolled out of bed to come see you.  Please do yourself a favor and take advantage of this; put on something with a button and zipper from time to time.
   

The guy on the bachelor is "going to be your future husband":  This one deals with the idea of delusion and grandeur. You are allowed to have high expectations while you are single.  Single-hood welcomes the idea of day dreaming about the perfect partner.  This can be highly beneficial in that it allows us to critically consider what we want when dating becomes an option again.  You are able to be honest to yourself without everyone asking what your next move is going to be, look at it as a time of contemplative retreat.  We all know that once we start dating those expectations may lower when it becomes apparent that your first dates will not entail being whisked away to an exotic country in a private jet. Getting out there and dating forces you to face reality while a single mindset allows your thoughts wander. 

Saying “I am really focusing on me right now” actually makes you feel happy: When you are single this is a major affirmation of your decision to avoid the inclusion of others in your personal life. Many people who put dating on the back burner feel like they have to sentence themselves to a life solitude and internal self discovery.  If you are considering looking for someone else to share your happiness with, phrases like this will become a figment of your imagination.  Your desires will begin to broaden and you will want to share yourself in a positive way with another person.  Knowing yourself is the best way to achieve a meaningful relationship so it is crucial to spend time focusing on you every now and then.  It gives you the ability to reconsider if you are satisfied with how your dating experiences are going, and also provides you with the opportunity to make necessary changes if you have dated one to many people who think that a relationship is a part time job. 

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You still think putt-putting and go-karting are acceptable date ideas: With this one I am making the assumption that anyone reading this is over the age of 13 and has a drivers license. If you considered either of these as an option for your upcoming date, consider if you are trying to recreate a middle school memory, or truly get to know someone.  While those who may oppose the stigma of put-putting argue that either of these date options promote competitiveness and say 'I like to have a good time', there are numerous other ways to accomplish this goal that don't require you to revert back to 5th grade tactics. Your date will appreciate you thinking out of the box during the early days.  The traditional date ideas carry significant value, but another crucial part of establishing a meaningful relationship is to actually get asked out on a second date.  Choose something that will create a pleasant memory of your experience; not bring up that time your go-kart ran out of gas and the 12 year old ran you off the road.

The phrase “Nothing is better than guy's night (or girls night)” serves a daily affirmation: It is phrases like this that are used to reaffirm your decision to be single. Socially we feel pressured to embrace our current status (single or not) and project contentment so as to not worry our family and friends about the lack of intimacy in our life.  Many times there is nothing better than a night out with your closest friends. When the time comes to explore dating more deeply, you may  have to sacrifice dollar beer nights with the boys in order to establish what you truly desire with this new person. Once it is decided that this person is worth pursuing you are able to combine your love of guys nights with your new partner as you progressively work the two worlds together.  

The word love causes you to break out in a cold sweat and look for the nearest exit: Once the desire to date fades from your conscious mindset it can be easy to forget all of the responsibility it takes to formulate meaningful commitments to another person.  As we live life on our own terms, being required to answer to another person's influence can feel like a rude awakening.  This all hinges back on the lack of commitments that being single demands.  We forget about how you actually have to call back if you are going to cancel plans, or how actively engaging in conversation over dinner may feel.  Unlike riding a bike, being comfortable with a true expression of emotions and confidently recognizing your feelings for someone else comes and goes as quickly as confidence does.  The L word becomes a foreign language that is deleted from the vocabulary.  This word can even come to be a point of anxiety due to past rejections or hurt that still lingers. What is interesting about the L word is that each time it is said you annotate it with a different meaning.  You are a different person with each utterance of the word love and in return the expression itself takes on an entirely different meaning.  If thinking of this word and the commitment that it carries causes your heart to palpitate slightly don't give up on the possibility of finding your own L word yet.  Give yourself the time needed to go into a new relationship with a clear heart.  

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 While these suggestions may not sound very scientific, there isn't much about dating can be solved with a mathematical equation.  Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and so do the ways in which people go about finding them. Things begin to go wrong when you start putting pressure on yourself to transition out of singleness before you are ready.   Let yourself find comfort in whichever situation you may currently be in, and examine whether it is the right one for you.

Hopefully these suggestions can help reaffirm your decisions to be single or prompt you to make changes in the other direction. Consider the reasons you may value in the benefits of being single.

-RV

Decision Time

It seems like a lot of big decisions have been coming up lately. No one tells you that second semester is really that time of the year when  procrastination comes to fruition, we are all  trying to be productive while mustering some amount of personal accomplishment.  When all of these procrastinated obligations and neglected responsibilities come to light it suddenly feels like everything is piling on at once.  Whether it is getting that big project done before the academic year ends, or trying to find a new place to live since your current is the victim of domestic college student abuse, it elicits a time when stress reaches an all time high.  Mentally exhaustion sets in, and emotions feel like they are going haywire. 

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One more year of your life is about to pass and you still have so much to accomplish, leaving you with an impending feeling of fear and uncertainty.  Nothing is worse than feeling like you don't have time to accomplish all that you desire in a given period of time; priorities come into play and you now have to manage energy draining feelings of uncertainty while trying to not drop the ball on getting those final job applications mailed.  Maybe you are waiting for something to start once the semester ends...which can leave you feeling about as lost as many were during the Twinkie-apocalypse that occurred earlier this year.

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Whatever it may be that causes fear and uncertainty in your life, it is important that you consider how you manage those feelings and handle them in the way that least hinders your ability to maintain sanity. Instinctually the human body is programmed to feel fear and doubt. Look at it like your body's natural checking system that can tell you whether getting a tattoo of your boyfriend/girlfriend's name on your arm is a good idea.  You should feel some degree of fear if you are pursuing something that you want, but may not be the best decision at the current time.  Those emotions are a reflection that you have invested thought into the given situation and desire more than your current status may suggest.

Another distinction that needs to be made is whether you are doubting the situation, or fearful of something.  Where fear is linked with uncertainty and lack of concrete establishment, doubt is more of an internal emotion that helps you to avoid diving head first in the "no dive" zone.  These feelings can serve as a prompt for you to decide whether you should choose a different direction, or explore more of the situation that seems uncertain.

Fear
You begin to anticipate the idea of finding your dream job, and just when you start to plan out the new car you will purchase with your salary, the electric fence of reality zaps you back to life and your fears re-surface.  You become fearful that it may fall through, or you may disappoint others in the process.  While these are totally rational thoughts, it is interesting to consider that the lack of proof you will succeed directly correlates with the lack of proof that you will fail. In the world of a pessimist the universally understood fact is that things will not go as planned and failure is inevitable; life becomes bound by fears and stunted by the vulnerability of insecurity.  Whether you are a pessimist or not take your fears as a challenge to make the jump towards something that you truly want.  Believe that you can do more than you can't do, and life will begin to feel a little less intimidating. 

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Doubt
 If one bad breakup got together and had a child with one bad relationship the end result would be the feeling of doubt. Relationships are the instant associations we make when it comes to considering how doubt functions in  life.  It involves past experiences, knowledge of behaviors, or situations that did not go as planned. I was talking with someone today about a potential guy who she was talking to, or in her words the guy she "made intense eye contact with one day" which in the words of a 20 something means things could get serious.  Naturally the next step was to look him up online. We immediately spotted "red flags" all over his Facebook profile and she left the conversation overwhelmed with doubt, accepting the fact that a date for valentines was quickly becoming less of an option.  The profile says something like 'organizing my massive collection of Brett Michaels albums' or 'can't remember the last time I took a shower' and instantly your excitement of this new person begins to waver.  Similar to fear, doubts can also provide clarity to a situation that on its own may seem off putting.  You may feel like something isn't right, intuition will try to warn you, but it is human nature to pretend that "it's fine" leaving you in an endless battle with your subconscious over what is right.  It isn't until after you make a decision that the repercussions of your doubts are either affirmed or negated.  Maybe you shouldn't have slept through 5 weeks of classes, or dated your ex again for the 5th time, but with doubt comes the opportunity to learn from your own decisions. Drawing from the pre-school lessons that parallel endless sessions of 'timeout', you are directly responsible for your actions. Unfortunately real life timeout is generally more serious than that time you tried to cut your own hair.  As you get older doubts become a mode of self preservation, reminding you that dating the person who cheated on you twice is about as smart as taking the clippers to your bangs. 

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 The primary lesson that determines whether you are handling your fears and doubts adequately is to understand the relationship you have with yourself. You will know if you really want something bad enough to achieve it.  No matter who in your life may try to persuade you otherwise, you ultimately are the only person who can know what is right and wrong.  Whether it is fear or doubt hopefully your second semester and/or life decisions can begin to feel less stressful with a greater understanding of the emotions that fuel the unknown. 

-RV

Your Relationship with Food

January is the one time of the year when it is not completely insane to declare a total life revamp and resolve to change something that you are dissatisfied with.  It is also the one time of the year where it is socially acceptable to pretend like you are (because of one random day of the year) going to become this new from of self.  While I am 100% supportive of making positive resolutions and strides towards self improvement, I do not feel as strongly towards those individuals expecting instant changes.  You most likely aren't going to go to the gym every single day, or alter your entire diet just because it was time to pick out the new planner for the year.

Resolutions come in all shapes and sizes.  According to USA.gov the two most popular new year promises are to drink less alcohol, and to eat healthier food.  Both of these hinge on how they make the body feel, and how negatively it can impact your daily life.  This results from the negative relationship that many people experience with food. Because of this rocky understanding on how to properly nourish our bodies, we are bombarded with an outrageous amount of information about how different "Dr. Oz" like doctors think you should conquer the grocery store.  Medical news prompts you on the specific foods, and how much you need in order to look presentable come swimsuit season.  Portion control (its praises as worn out as your couch cushions) provides a valuable understanding of food, but does not account for the mental and emotional side of eating.  Your relationship with food is possibly one of the most crucial aspects to ever achieving the new years resolution to drop the unwanted pounds.  

As you begin to make changes towards a new you for this 2013 year read more on how to revitalize your food mentality. A healthy mind is reflected in a healthy appearance.  

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Don't diet yourself crazy 
Many break a sweat just considering the idea of a diet.  There are only hundreds of thousands diets to choose from and putting a set of rules on food usually results in eating your weight in brownies out of the sheer anxiety of choosing one.  If you have ever tried a diet and it didn't allow you to shed 10 pounds in 3 days chances are it wasn't the diet for you. Diets do you wrong based on the simple fact that no single food plan will work for everyone and usually no specific diet will either.  Change your mindset and consider the factors that comprise the diets that are the most interesting.  By taking aspects of the most appealing food plans you are able to customize your eating and feel that the decision to eat smarter is on your own terms.  Whenever there are changes in eating patterns please consult your doctor first to ensure that you are heading in the right direction! 

Another misconceiving aspect of a diet is that it is only temporary.  Jenny Craig may have you convinced that a 30 day trial will give you a supermodel figure, but the fact is that your mentality about food is a lifetime decision (not 20 frozen Lean Cuisines). Don't deny yourself the enjoyment of eating in return for a vegetable juicer!

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You will not be voted off the island just because you had one cookie
It comes down to the mentality of the vocabulary surrounded with food.  "I was so bad today I...(insert your favorite desert item here)." While you may feel empowered by admitting your guilt over devouring a cupcake that had more weight watchers points than was acceptable, it does not help you make improvements towards the future.  Going into a new lifestyle of eating with negative thoughts and a vocabulary that quantifies eating cookies on the same level as robbing a bank you will never feel satisfied; no matter what size you are. 

S.T.O.P
Are you Sleepy, Tired, Ornery, or Pissed-off... While my acronym attempt may not be as efficient as I had hoped, STOP eating if you are not hungry. It is one of the most simple things to do, yet the hardest to mentally understand. Once you begin to turn to food (or have turned in the past) for emotional support your mind begins to formulate associations with the feeling of eating and will prompt you to do so in the future.  Some of the top feelings that can trigger emotional eating relate to elevated states of mood and hormonal changes in both men and women.  While we may only view emotional eating as an unfortunate consequence of a breakup, there are many times when food is used to accommodate times of celebration as well.  Be aware of how you feel about food and when you choose to chow down. 

Be real about what you are consuming 
As obnoxiously tedious as this recommendation can sound keeping a journal about your daily food intake can put your food relationship into perspective. Things only seem to get busier as time goes on and the first consciousness that falls to the wayside is the daily intake.  Between work, school, and a social life it is hard for anyone to remember what they had for breakfast much less remember inhaling two burgers for dinner.  If you decide to journal looking at the inventory as more than a way to lose weight will make it less intimidating to see the reality of what you are putting into your body.  Once you realize that eating a whole pizza three times a week is truly happening, the mystery as to why your pants are shrinking will be solved!

 What are you really looking for?
There is always a philosophical aspect to any resolution. Something prompted you do desire this change, and there is a reason why it is challenging.  What do you really want from a healthy diet? When you consider what a new food lifestyle will provide in your life and how you will directly benefit from these changes, the transformation process won't be as difficult to accept.  You may feel like crunching into a bag of carrots sounds as enticing as getting a root canal, but if you are mindful of how wonderful the benefits of success are carrots can suddenly take the shape of some chocolate cheese cake and the experience becomes borderline stupendous. 

Enjoy the ride 

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See the eating transformation as an opportunity to explore something new.  Instead of dreading cooking up a dinner of mixed veggies, experiment with ways to make them more appealing.  The more effort you put into making a healthier selection part of your life, the more natural it will feel.  Healthy eating decisions are extremely difficult especially in the age of calorie counting and 'taco Tuesday' nights.  There is a clash between the pressure to be healthy, and the guilt felt by limiting yourself. Finding a balance that works for you while being mindful that your body needs the right foods to function is going to broaden your perspective to the benefits of loving food again.



We hope these suggestions help make your relationship less complicated, and leads to a HealthierU in 2013.

-RV

Want Something: Part 2

Next to maintaining some form of a reasonable GPA in school, one of the greatest stressors during this chapter of life can be figuring out how to not sacrifice your dignity while in the midst of dating.  There are few things more embarrassing than a bad choice in a partner, or suffering through the inevitable bad dates. Besides all the complications of being nice but not too nice, available but not too available etc… the real challenges start to arise when you feel like you aren't making progress on the road to relationship-hood.  When it doesn’t feel like you are getting what you want out of finding a relationship and dating, things start to warp into this desired reality that you wish to exist.  It can feel like an extreme state of confusion, decisions can become impulsive; like you are trying to soothe an indescribable dissatisfaction.  The most common reaction to the desperation of not finding that person seems to be the tactical move of reverting to the past.  

Dating should be less about matching outward circumstance than meeting your inner necessity-Anonymous 

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Your mind shuns the anxiety of meeting all the wrong people and you begin to lower your confidence in your own identity.  Suddenly that EX doesn’t seem like such a horrible situation, you really didn't mind when he/she was too clingy, or too boring, or too uninterested (insert whichever break up reason here).  The standards may begin to lower as the desire to redo the past lingers. Wanting something you used to have is not a realistic depiction of what you truly desire.  Besides dwelling on what used to be, the memories begin to fade and many of us choose to focus on the happier moments in what typically was a horrible relationship.  It is good to want something, but not something that doesn't want you. 

There are TWO SCENARIOS to this situation 

1. You are dating someone else but it doesn't feel like it should...

In this situation you will try and convince yourself of false truths and avoid admitting the obvious; that the EX only seems like a good idea because you saw a cute couple holding hands on your run this morning.  No matter who you are with, you will still get annoyed by the same things, laugh at the same things, and feel unhappy towards the same things over the course of life. Chances are the EX was a source of these negative examples and considering going back is tempting to repeat the past.  This in return closes you off from the potential to experience a new and possibly meaningful connection.  

OR

2. You are single and still pretending that your EX is waiting for you too...

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This one can take a psychological toll, and can make it difficult to see the potential of what may be right in front of you.  Playing the waiting game is how illogical rationalizations begin to develop.  No matter how hard you try, no relationship (whether it is with the EX or someone new) will ever be the same as the old one. I may be better or worse, but all you can do is allow yourself to be open to the possibilities. 

In MOST SITUATIONS, wanting something that you previously chose to give up is a blaring red flag that your current situation is not right. There is a reason why you are not with the same person you dated back then.  Whether you began to change, got bored, or wanted more out of the relationship something caused it to fail and communication to come to an end. I think that many people feel the desire to reconnect with the EX out of a need for closure. There is a motivation to seek out something that you didn't get the first time, but want to discover for your own sake.  If you choose to dwell on that motivation you stand no chance of moving forward.  Being stuck on the EX creates an imaginary bullet proof bubble that hinders your ability to actually move on with your life.  Instead of wanting the past, consider wanting something better than what you had.

You Owe it to Yourself 

Your old girlfriend/boyfriend  for whatever reason did not provide what you needed out of your relationship. Instead of wanting that person when things seem tough, realize that you are growing in more ways than you can realize.  You are allowed to want more than splitting the bill, or countless nights waiting for someone to call back.  We subject ourselves to these situations because it is how the game is perceived.  Dating doesn't have to be a drawn out trial and error process, and you can choose to avoid situations that will lead you no where. 

Take Responsibility

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Be honest about what you really want.  Usually if the EX begins to look like prince charming you desire one aspect of what you used to feel.  Because past relationships are so emotionally impacted, it can be easy to feel blinded by "the good times."  In order to move forward you need to take responsibility for how you want a partner to function in your life.  Understanding exactly what you desire out of another person can take time to comprehend.  Once you are able to clearly express what you need out of a relationship you will be on your way to establishing a successful one.  

Discover the Degrees of Dating 

When you are scrambling to replace the EX or trying to avoid being the only single friend, the random stranger at the bank can begin to look like a potential sole mate.  The anxiety associated with discontent in a relationship, or lack there of in your life translates into impulsive and irrational decisions.  Trying to make every person you meet into your new partner is not the answer.  This will not only exhaust you of all energy, but will creep out your unlucky victims.  No matter if you think you have the best poker face going, the other person in the situation will be able to feel your motivations.  There is a distinct difference between someone who is genuinely interested, and someone who is trying to fill the void.  Allow yourself to see new interactions as a potential connection. Whether you never see each other again, or remain close friends, experiencing different relationships will not only strengthen your perspective, but provide clarity to what you truly want in a relationship.    

No Judging

So you found someone who seems interesting, but they just don't know how to quote movies like the EX did.  Allowing comparisons like this to define who you choose to date is a one way ticket to a Netflix night for one.  You will never be able to recreate a past relationship, and there is no scientifically possible way to recreate an exact replica of a person either.  Comparing a new partner to the old ones is not only unfair to the new interest, but stunts your potential to evolve.  Learn to appreciate other aspects of what someone new brings to the table.  Making comparisons and passing judgements can be a difficult obstacle to over come in achieving your desired relationship.  By opening your mind you will have an easier time at getting what you truly want both in life and relationships.  

I am not saying that we all need to go sign up on Match.com, or get a name tag for the next local speed dating convention. Have the confidence to give yourself what you want, and what you truly deserve with an open mind and heart.  

-RV