Who are You Dating?

There will come a day when you will be going on dates with lots of new people.  Whether those days are yet to come or you are in the midst of the confusing dating world, at some point  you will feel the urge to pick someone. Someone who for whatever reason seems to stand out a little more than the rest.  When I ask people how they know they chose the right person to be with it varies and sounds something like "It just felt right", which leaves the rest of us with absolutely no idea on how to get the happy relationship your best friend has.

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The single game puts excessive amounts of pressure of dating and finding the next relationship. When using the terms dating and relationship I am talking about something that is beyond the 'who wants to come home with me tonight' phase of things and heading into the 'who do i want to spend the weekend with?' stage.  During this time it seems like all or nothing, many of us are vehemently committed to abstaining from boyfriend/girlfriend territory while others have the 'ring by spring' motivation.  The easiest truth to remember about being with new people is that it should always be fun.  As elementary and irresponsible as this may be interpreted, the instant you start treating your dating game like finals week you stand no chance of finding someone who is actually worth your time.  Whether you are in a relationship or hoping one falls into your lap, everyone wants to be with someone who makes them happy; we spend too much time being with people who don't.  So how will you know when you have found something worth while?

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You will not feel like you are missing out on the next best thing.  After having your 'please date me radar' on for so long it can be a hard adjustment to turn it off once you are in a defined relationship.  How easily this radar is turned off once with this new person is typically a good indication of how much you really like your relationship.  While you were single and dating there were so many insecurities...if you met the best match, if your other option is going to try and contact you again.  You worry about making decisions, if they are pretty enough, if your friends like him/her, if you are ready to commit etc.  Being with someone worth-while will give you the freedom to let go of those worries and the pressure.  You will not need to have a back up plan because they will be your only plan. 

As you get further into the relationship and are feeling more worry free, more dynamics will form creating the fundamentals of your relationship.  You will give and receive on an equal level.  In a worth-while relationship you will have a sense of balance.  Anyone who has ever given too much (of yourself) in any situation can understand the lack of wholeness you feel as an individual. It can feel like a continual blank stare when you are giving your time and energy towards a one way relationship. Your ideal dating partner should build you up, he/she will make you realize that you are worth getting what you want out of life. 

Drama will not fuel your relationship. The constant desire for external validation towards your relationship can be exhausting.  You may feel like you need to hear how much other people approve of this new person you are with, you will worry that you are being judged with this person.  Having someone worth being with will make your own approval enough.  This is one of the few scenarios when tunnel vision can work in your favor.  By accepting that you alone are in control of your current relationship status, you will more easily understand why this person is a meaningful component in your life.  Fights won't come as a surprise, communication won't be forced, you will thrive off of making one another happy; everyone else can talk about your relationship among themselves at this point.  A lot of what seems to be a good relationship comes from extreme emotions like heated fights, passionate makeups, and unrealistic expectations.  In comparison to your bad relationships a good one can seem relatively boring. 


You will want to give back. It won't feel like an obligation or a responsibility, it will be a genuine desire to make the other person you are with happy.  Things as little as a 'I hope you have a great day' text will reiterate why you feel this way, and will allow you to selflessly reciprocate.  When gestures become forced or are driven by motives with an expected return is the moment when your current partner is no longer worth holding the door for.  In the same way, once the gestures begin to disappear and the desire to please fades could be signaling that the connection is fading.  When someone is worth your serious effort, the desire to see them and be a supportive factor will come naturally.

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I asked one of my favorite couples about how they knew their relationship was a good one and their advice was simple.

You will want to see your partner as much as he or she want to see you

It all goes back to the idea of balance between a partnership.  Giving and receiving, being worry free, etc. are all aspects that require active participation on both ends.  The next time you are gritting your teeth through that horribly awkward first date consider if this person offers any of these things for you!

-RV