Why it's Good you are Single

It’s good you’re single if...

You shop in the frozen food isle at the grocery store: While a nice Stouffer's lasagna is incredibly satisfying on any given Monday night, someone who is on the market for a partner and trying to date successfully is going to be more willing to spice it up when it comes to food and beyond. The willingness to experiment with food is a major point of date-ability.  It not only reflects a desire for new experiences, but proves you have an openness to change; you have the ability to appreciate something new. 

The thought of a night alone with your computer sounds equally as exciting as a Harry Potter movie marathon: under no circumstances should someone hoping to land a relationship feel a deeper attachment and emotional stimulation from watching Harry save Hogwarts than from a human interaction. If a movie marathon weekend (insert anti-social hobby here) truly is what you enjoy on the weekends, it simply means that mentally you may not be ready to try out dating. As you transition towards the idea of a relationship your idea of a good time will gear towards activities that will embrace the cultivation of a new interaction. While you are single fulfillment is found through activities that do not challenge you to present yourself in a certain way, the most effort this mindset takes is deciding between season 1 or 2 of your favorite show.  

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You wear pajama pants in public: This one is somewhat obvious. If your 'going out in public' attire looks something like ripped sweat pants, your water stained Uggs, and wet shower hair it is good you are single.  It all comes back to the effort you put into how you are perceived.  Many people especially single ones have vowed that if someone truly loves them they will not feel obligated to change their appearance from anything but the 'i just spent three days on Facebook' look.  I do not mean to say that we need to slip into our alter egos in order to attract attention but appreciate yourself enough to show off your positive qualities.  There is nothing dysfunctional about representing the best version of you, and being confident enough to let others appreciate what you are portraying. We live in a highly visual society where attractions are formed from an external perspective, personality following in second place.  No one wants to date the person who just rolled out of bed to come see you.  Please do yourself a favor and take advantage of this; put on something with a button and zipper from time to time.
   

The guy on the bachelor is "going to be your future husband":  This one deals with the idea of delusion and grandeur. You are allowed to have high expectations while you are single.  Single-hood welcomes the idea of day dreaming about the perfect partner.  This can be highly beneficial in that it allows us to critically consider what we want when dating becomes an option again.  You are able to be honest to yourself without everyone asking what your next move is going to be, look at it as a time of contemplative retreat.  We all know that once we start dating those expectations may lower when it becomes apparent that your first dates will not entail being whisked away to an exotic country in a private jet. Getting out there and dating forces you to face reality while a single mindset allows your thoughts wander. 

Saying “I am really focusing on me right now” actually makes you feel happy: When you are single this is a major affirmation of your decision to avoid the inclusion of others in your personal life. Many people who put dating on the back burner feel like they have to sentence themselves to a life solitude and internal self discovery.  If you are considering looking for someone else to share your happiness with, phrases like this will become a figment of your imagination.  Your desires will begin to broaden and you will want to share yourself in a positive way with another person.  Knowing yourself is the best way to achieve a meaningful relationship so it is crucial to spend time focusing on you every now and then.  It gives you the ability to reconsider if you are satisfied with how your dating experiences are going, and also provides you with the opportunity to make necessary changes if you have dated one to many people who think that a relationship is a part time job. 

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You still think putt-putting and go-karting are acceptable date ideas: With this one I am making the assumption that anyone reading this is over the age of 13 and has a drivers license. If you considered either of these as an option for your upcoming date, consider if you are trying to recreate a middle school memory, or truly get to know someone.  While those who may oppose the stigma of put-putting argue that either of these date options promote competitiveness and say 'I like to have a good time', there are numerous other ways to accomplish this goal that don't require you to revert back to 5th grade tactics. Your date will appreciate you thinking out of the box during the early days.  The traditional date ideas carry significant value, but another crucial part of establishing a meaningful relationship is to actually get asked out on a second date.  Choose something that will create a pleasant memory of your experience; not bring up that time your go-kart ran out of gas and the 12 year old ran you off the road.

The phrase “Nothing is better than guy's night (or girls night)” serves a daily affirmation: It is phrases like this that are used to reaffirm your decision to be single. Socially we feel pressured to embrace our current status (single or not) and project contentment so as to not worry our family and friends about the lack of intimacy in our life.  Many times there is nothing better than a night out with your closest friends. When the time comes to explore dating more deeply, you may  have to sacrifice dollar beer nights with the boys in order to establish what you truly desire with this new person. Once it is decided that this person is worth pursuing you are able to combine your love of guys nights with your new partner as you progressively work the two worlds together.  

The word love causes you to break out in a cold sweat and look for the nearest exit: Once the desire to date fades from your conscious mindset it can be easy to forget all of the responsibility it takes to formulate meaningful commitments to another person.  As we live life on our own terms, being required to answer to another person's influence can feel like a rude awakening.  This all hinges back on the lack of commitments that being single demands.  We forget about how you actually have to call back if you are going to cancel plans, or how actively engaging in conversation over dinner may feel.  Unlike riding a bike, being comfortable with a true expression of emotions and confidently recognizing your feelings for someone else comes and goes as quickly as confidence does.  The L word becomes a foreign language that is deleted from the vocabulary.  This word can even come to be a point of anxiety due to past rejections or hurt that still lingers. What is interesting about the L word is that each time it is said you annotate it with a different meaning.  You are a different person with each utterance of the word love and in return the expression itself takes on an entirely different meaning.  If thinking of this word and the commitment that it carries causes your heart to palpitate slightly don't give up on the possibility of finding your own L word yet.  Give yourself the time needed to go into a new relationship with a clear heart.  

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 While these suggestions may not sound very scientific, there isn't much about dating can be solved with a mathematical equation.  Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and so do the ways in which people go about finding them. Things begin to go wrong when you start putting pressure on yourself to transition out of singleness before you are ready.   Let yourself find comfort in whichever situation you may currently be in, and examine whether it is the right one for you.

Hopefully these suggestions can help reaffirm your decisions to be single or prompt you to make changes in the other direction. Consider the reasons you may value in the benefits of being single.

-RV