Be Braver

So someone just asked you what you want to do after you graduate...for the thousandth time. If this hasn't happened yet and you are an enrolled student in a university I would love to hear how you have managed to fly under the radar unnoticed.  It's a fair question that is probably asked out of politeness rather than genuine interest. This person isn't going to make you sign your name in blood swearing to fulfill the career path that you spewed out in a nervous stupor, trying convince the listener that your past 4 years haven't been a total waste of time.   Whenever I get asked this question I get abnormally nervous, like this person's knowledge of my life plan is going to affect my future success.  Answers range from dramatically enhanced to down right outrageous and generally will never be the same response. We try to think of these elaborate goals in order to impress.

This scenario applies to many other situations in our lives. The courage to be brave enough to say what you really think becomes equally as challenging as swallowing a spoon full of cinnamon.  Your dream job may not be along the lines of main stream acceptance, it may violate someones expectations, you may feel like your identity is incomplete while you pretend like working 60 hour weeks is anyone's idea of a good time. 

As you encounter situations in which you feel like your voice is being judged it is important to channel bravery as your support.  Having the courage to stand for what you believe will not only allow you to attain your goals, but will allow you to fully be yourself.

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Bravery...

Does not occur when times are easy: Being brave is the alternative to having fear.  No one ever feels brave for picking their favorite ice cream out at UDF. As wonderful as it would be to brag with pride about the fact that you went for two scoops of chocolate chip instead of one only counts for your calories, not your character. If it was easy to be brave we would all be shining examples of model citizens who enjoy cleaning the bathroom and work at jobs that we actually want.  When you are considering a new job, going into a first date, or picking roommates are times when making the right choice for you is not always easy.  These scenarios can trigger your fight or flight fear response. A very real example is Clifton Crime. Recall your favorite Greg hand email.  I like the one when the robber tried to steal the car using a frying pan as a weapon. Many choose to avoid the confrontation and make the decision to hand over the keys.  Others may understand how idiotic it is to threaten someone with kitchenware and show that robber how you really use a frying pan as an assault weapon.  Times like these challenge us to rise to the occasion and  have the confidence to be brave when times get tough. 

Prompts you to run away: In many situations it seems easier to run away and avoid as opposed to dealing with the challenge at hand.  We are motivated to run from problems as a natural bodily defense system for protection.  Your fear detector becomes jaded by life experiences that skew your inhibitions leaving humans exceptionally timid and terrified of failure. As a society we work towards perfection and do everything we can to avoid situations that may be embarrassing or difficult.  Your fears shed light on who someone truly is beneath the external presentation, they also point us towards what we truly want.  If you ignore your fears you are ignoring important signs that could lead to something greater. 

Can help you get a date: I think this is a really important aspect of bravery that many of us struggle with. How many times have you sworn your friend to secrecy as you divulge how attracted you are to this new person you met? We run around to everyone we know seeking their approval, scrounging for some shred of confidence to feel okay about the fact that we really like someone. Chances are you see this person on a daily basis and will deal with this emotional turmoil for weeks before actually saying hello. The thought of asking to see this person outside of school gives causes your blood to rush to your feet as you think of any excuse to get out of it (while you sit at home...most likely alone...Friday night regretting your decision). Be brave and tell people how you really feel.  It takes courage and confidence to express yourself truthfully.  Practice saying what you really mean and you will find that these dilemmas may actually be quite simple after all. 

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Requires an openness towards change: if you choose to be brave and accept the job that moves you across the country you will be experiencing a total life upheaval that can make your old job at the mall sound divine.  There is no easy way to deal with change but to embrace it. You loathed refolding clothes for 12 hours every Saturday, your manager was about a friendly as a hormonal grizzly bear, and the people you worked with all knew just a little too much about one another for that relationship to continue much longer.  Accepting change is contradictory to everything you work for, a daily routine, steady job, a normal girlfriend etc.   If you realize that change is cyclical you can at least be certain that you will be forced to readjust sooner rather than later.  With this anticipation towards change you will avoid sentencing yourself to a job that ignores your true potential. 

Usually leads to judgement: I relate this idea with traveling. As a society a disturbing amount of emphasis is placed on the idea of physical strength as the coverall for weakness.  It summarizes the fixation that Americans have with being outwardly perfect and socially beautiful.  That is why when we leave the safe haven of the United States, an American can be spotted miles away due to the obnoxious "I'm a world traveler" attitude as Europeans will quickly debunk upon your first "will you take our picture" question.  Being brave means seizing what it is you truly want from life.  These are wants that others may not have the ability to understand or appreciate; naturally judgments will be formed.  You can choose to let another person's perspective detract from your goals, or stand by your decision that you will be the next American Idol.      

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Mark Twain  

Some of the most difficult moments in life hinge in your willingness to be brave.  There is nothing easy about saying that no one likes your friend's boyfriend, asking for your dream job, or calling the police after a robbery.  If you are mindful of these future challenges you will be able to quickly respond to these difficult situations. 

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-RV

Why it's Good you are Single

It’s good you’re single if...

You shop in the frozen food isle at the grocery store: While a nice Stouffer's lasagna is incredibly satisfying on any given Monday night, someone who is on the market for a partner and trying to date successfully is going to be more willing to spice it up when it comes to food and beyond. The willingness to experiment with food is a major point of date-ability.  It not only reflects a desire for new experiences, but proves you have an openness to change; you have the ability to appreciate something new. 

The thought of a night alone with your computer sounds equally as exciting as a Harry Potter movie marathon: under no circumstances should someone hoping to land a relationship feel a deeper attachment and emotional stimulation from watching Harry save Hogwarts than from a human interaction. If a movie marathon weekend (insert anti-social hobby here) truly is what you enjoy on the weekends, it simply means that mentally you may not be ready to try out dating. As you transition towards the idea of a relationship your idea of a good time will gear towards activities that will embrace the cultivation of a new interaction. While you are single fulfillment is found through activities that do not challenge you to present yourself in a certain way, the most effort this mindset takes is deciding between season 1 or 2 of your favorite show.  

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You wear pajama pants in public: This one is somewhat obvious. If your 'going out in public' attire looks something like ripped sweat pants, your water stained Uggs, and wet shower hair it is good you are single.  It all comes back to the effort you put into how you are perceived.  Many people especially single ones have vowed that if someone truly loves them they will not feel obligated to change their appearance from anything but the 'i just spent three days on Facebook' look.  I do not mean to say that we need to slip into our alter egos in order to attract attention but appreciate yourself enough to show off your positive qualities.  There is nothing dysfunctional about representing the best version of you, and being confident enough to let others appreciate what you are portraying. We live in a highly visual society where attractions are formed from an external perspective, personality following in second place.  No one wants to date the person who just rolled out of bed to come see you.  Please do yourself a favor and take advantage of this; put on something with a button and zipper from time to time.
   

The guy on the bachelor is "going to be your future husband":  This one deals with the idea of delusion and grandeur. You are allowed to have high expectations while you are single.  Single-hood welcomes the idea of day dreaming about the perfect partner.  This can be highly beneficial in that it allows us to critically consider what we want when dating becomes an option again.  You are able to be honest to yourself without everyone asking what your next move is going to be, look at it as a time of contemplative retreat.  We all know that once we start dating those expectations may lower when it becomes apparent that your first dates will not entail being whisked away to an exotic country in a private jet. Getting out there and dating forces you to face reality while a single mindset allows your thoughts wander. 

Saying “I am really focusing on me right now” actually makes you feel happy: When you are single this is a major affirmation of your decision to avoid the inclusion of others in your personal life. Many people who put dating on the back burner feel like they have to sentence themselves to a life solitude and internal self discovery.  If you are considering looking for someone else to share your happiness with, phrases like this will become a figment of your imagination.  Your desires will begin to broaden and you will want to share yourself in a positive way with another person.  Knowing yourself is the best way to achieve a meaningful relationship so it is crucial to spend time focusing on you every now and then.  It gives you the ability to reconsider if you are satisfied with how your dating experiences are going, and also provides you with the opportunity to make necessary changes if you have dated one to many people who think that a relationship is a part time job. 

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You still think putt-putting and go-karting are acceptable date ideas: With this one I am making the assumption that anyone reading this is over the age of 13 and has a drivers license. If you considered either of these as an option for your upcoming date, consider if you are trying to recreate a middle school memory, or truly get to know someone.  While those who may oppose the stigma of put-putting argue that either of these date options promote competitiveness and say 'I like to have a good time', there are numerous other ways to accomplish this goal that don't require you to revert back to 5th grade tactics. Your date will appreciate you thinking out of the box during the early days.  The traditional date ideas carry significant value, but another crucial part of establishing a meaningful relationship is to actually get asked out on a second date.  Choose something that will create a pleasant memory of your experience; not bring up that time your go-kart ran out of gas and the 12 year old ran you off the road.

The phrase “Nothing is better than guy's night (or girls night)” serves a daily affirmation: It is phrases like this that are used to reaffirm your decision to be single. Socially we feel pressured to embrace our current status (single or not) and project contentment so as to not worry our family and friends about the lack of intimacy in our life.  Many times there is nothing better than a night out with your closest friends. When the time comes to explore dating more deeply, you may  have to sacrifice dollar beer nights with the boys in order to establish what you truly desire with this new person. Once it is decided that this person is worth pursuing you are able to combine your love of guys nights with your new partner as you progressively work the two worlds together.  

The word love causes you to break out in a cold sweat and look for the nearest exit: Once the desire to date fades from your conscious mindset it can be easy to forget all of the responsibility it takes to formulate meaningful commitments to another person.  As we live life on our own terms, being required to answer to another person's influence can feel like a rude awakening.  This all hinges back on the lack of commitments that being single demands.  We forget about how you actually have to call back if you are going to cancel plans, or how actively engaging in conversation over dinner may feel.  Unlike riding a bike, being comfortable with a true expression of emotions and confidently recognizing your feelings for someone else comes and goes as quickly as confidence does.  The L word becomes a foreign language that is deleted from the vocabulary.  This word can even come to be a point of anxiety due to past rejections or hurt that still lingers. What is interesting about the L word is that each time it is said you annotate it with a different meaning.  You are a different person with each utterance of the word love and in return the expression itself takes on an entirely different meaning.  If thinking of this word and the commitment that it carries causes your heart to palpitate slightly don't give up on the possibility of finding your own L word yet.  Give yourself the time needed to go into a new relationship with a clear heart.  

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 While these suggestions may not sound very scientific, there isn't much about dating can be solved with a mathematical equation.  Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and so do the ways in which people go about finding them. Things begin to go wrong when you start putting pressure on yourself to transition out of singleness before you are ready.   Let yourself find comfort in whichever situation you may currently be in, and examine whether it is the right one for you.

Hopefully these suggestions can help reaffirm your decisions to be single or prompt you to make changes in the other direction. Consider the reasons you may value in the benefits of being single.

-RV

Decision Time

It seems like a lot of big decisions have been coming up lately. No one tells you that second semester is really that time of the year when  procrastination comes to fruition, we are all  trying to be productive while mustering some amount of personal accomplishment.  When all of these procrastinated obligations and neglected responsibilities come to light it suddenly feels like everything is piling on at once.  Whether it is getting that big project done before the academic year ends, or trying to find a new place to live since your current is the victim of domestic college student abuse, it elicits a time when stress reaches an all time high.  Mentally exhaustion sets in, and emotions feel like they are going haywire. 

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One more year of your life is about to pass and you still have so much to accomplish, leaving you with an impending feeling of fear and uncertainty.  Nothing is worse than feeling like you don't have time to accomplish all that you desire in a given period of time; priorities come into play and you now have to manage energy draining feelings of uncertainty while trying to not drop the ball on getting those final job applications mailed.  Maybe you are waiting for something to start once the semester ends...which can leave you feeling about as lost as many were during the Twinkie-apocalypse that occurred earlier this year.

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Whatever it may be that causes fear and uncertainty in your life, it is important that you consider how you manage those feelings and handle them in the way that least hinders your ability to maintain sanity. Instinctually the human body is programmed to feel fear and doubt. Look at it like your body's natural checking system that can tell you whether getting a tattoo of your boyfriend/girlfriend's name on your arm is a good idea.  You should feel some degree of fear if you are pursuing something that you want, but may not be the best decision at the current time.  Those emotions are a reflection that you have invested thought into the given situation and desire more than your current status may suggest.

Another distinction that needs to be made is whether you are doubting the situation, or fearful of something.  Where fear is linked with uncertainty and lack of concrete establishment, doubt is more of an internal emotion that helps you to avoid diving head first in the "no dive" zone.  These feelings can serve as a prompt for you to decide whether you should choose a different direction, or explore more of the situation that seems uncertain.

Fear
You begin to anticipate the idea of finding your dream job, and just when you start to plan out the new car you will purchase with your salary, the electric fence of reality zaps you back to life and your fears re-surface.  You become fearful that it may fall through, or you may disappoint others in the process.  While these are totally rational thoughts, it is interesting to consider that the lack of proof you will succeed directly correlates with the lack of proof that you will fail. In the world of a pessimist the universally understood fact is that things will not go as planned and failure is inevitable; life becomes bound by fears and stunted by the vulnerability of insecurity.  Whether you are a pessimist or not take your fears as a challenge to make the jump towards something that you truly want.  Believe that you can do more than you can't do, and life will begin to feel a little less intimidating. 

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Doubt
 If one bad breakup got together and had a child with one bad relationship the end result would be the feeling of doubt. Relationships are the instant associations we make when it comes to considering how doubt functions in  life.  It involves past experiences, knowledge of behaviors, or situations that did not go as planned. I was talking with someone today about a potential guy who she was talking to, or in her words the guy she "made intense eye contact with one day" which in the words of a 20 something means things could get serious.  Naturally the next step was to look him up online. We immediately spotted "red flags" all over his Facebook profile and she left the conversation overwhelmed with doubt, accepting the fact that a date for valentines was quickly becoming less of an option.  The profile says something like 'organizing my massive collection of Brett Michaels albums' or 'can't remember the last time I took a shower' and instantly your excitement of this new person begins to waver.  Similar to fear, doubts can also provide clarity to a situation that on its own may seem off putting.  You may feel like something isn't right, intuition will try to warn you, but it is human nature to pretend that "it's fine" leaving you in an endless battle with your subconscious over what is right.  It isn't until after you make a decision that the repercussions of your doubts are either affirmed or negated.  Maybe you shouldn't have slept through 5 weeks of classes, or dated your ex again for the 5th time, but with doubt comes the opportunity to learn from your own decisions. Drawing from the pre-school lessons that parallel endless sessions of 'timeout', you are directly responsible for your actions. Unfortunately real life timeout is generally more serious than that time you tried to cut your own hair.  As you get older doubts become a mode of self preservation, reminding you that dating the person who cheated on you twice is about as smart as taking the clippers to your bangs. 

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 The primary lesson that determines whether you are handling your fears and doubts adequately is to understand the relationship you have with yourself. You will know if you really want something bad enough to achieve it.  No matter who in your life may try to persuade you otherwise, you ultimately are the only person who can know what is right and wrong.  Whether it is fear or doubt hopefully your second semester and/or life decisions can begin to feel less stressful with a greater understanding of the emotions that fuel the unknown. 

-RV